Dear Elim Grace,
Jonathan and I have been parents for 24 yrs. We have children ranging from 23 to 2 1/2 years old. Our oldest is married with our first grandchild. As part of those 24 years, we have been foster parents for 10 plus years. We have adopted one and will soon adopt our second. Additionally, I (Alissa) have been baby sitting since an early age, which brings my experience with children close to 40 years. (What!) All that being said, parenting is hard. There are significant challenges to be navigated.
Here is the fifth of six of those challenges.
CHALLENGE #5 – A Pinterest life is not reality
Things in reality do not always look like they do online. Pinterest fails are real, because not everything on Pinterest is real! In the same way, the reality of parenting is not always what Pinterest (or Instagram, Facebook,…) projects as real. We can’t and we won’t be Pinterest parents. That’s ok!
NAVIGATING PRINCIPLE: Be authentic and be present with your kids. Believe it or not, they want you. All of you. The real you. Don’t try to build a facade for someone else. Your children will see through it to the real you. So show them the real you.
Jonathan and I have been in ministry since the day we were married. He has needed to be at church every Sunday 1-2 hours early since day one. His responsibilities have meant that I would get our kids ready by myself. And I would often sit in church by myself with my kids.
I remember one day I was getting my kids ready for church, and I lost my mind. And the next week, I lost my mind. And the next week, I lost my mind. And then I read a book. I don’t remember the title, but I remember the realization that came from it. It was my children would remember me more by those moments of frustration than my moments of brilliance. I wanted my children to see that the Alissa getting them ready was the same Alissa sitting in church. I wanted to be the same for my kids and with my kids anywhere. Everywhere. Home. School. Church. With friends. With family. With strangers. I didn’t want them to wonder what version they might get today. Or think to themselves, “Why doesn’t Mom act that way with us?”
We don’t do friend birthday parties every year for every child. Rather, there are milestones that we celebrate. In our home, one of those milestones is turning 5. So when our oldest son Joshua turned 5, some of his friends were invited. At the time, Joshua was all about Super Man. So I made an amazing Super Man cake. It looked like a Pinterest cake! And it was an awesome party.
A few days later, we had a family birthday dinner for Joshua. The day before, though, I got really sick. I could do next to no prep for the party. So I asked my mom to bake a Super Man cake. What did she do? She calls Joshua over to help her bake his cake. They made the ugliest cake I ever saw! Round. Basic. A generic Super Man emblem on it. With a shiny red wrapping paper cape coming off the cake. “Mom, what is this!” I remember asking in humor and disbelief.
As we’re wrapping up Joshua’s 5th birthday party, we’re talking and we ask Joshua what his favorite part of turning 5 was.
His favorite part of turning five was not the friend party I had been stressed about (over which I lost my patience with my kids).
It wasn’t the amazing present we had bought him.
His favorite thing about turning five was making his cake, the ugly cake with a shiny red wrapping paper cape.
But, in reality, it had nothing to do with the cake. It had everything to do with his grandmother sitting there with him. Doing something with him. Allowing him to direct how it went. Urging him to be creative. Working it out together. She wasn’t trying to live up to this unrealistic expectation that she put on herself. Or that others had put on her. She was being her and letting him be him.
Dear parent, be authentic and present. It’s hard, but it’s worth it in the long run. Don’t give in to artificial images of unrealistic parenting.
Alissa