My daughter, Adelyn (15), isn’t on social media. That’s as much her decision as it is ours. Maybe one day, maybe not. One thing is certain, though, her joy and tenacity (and intensity!) have not lessened one bit because of it.

My older three children had smart phones and social media once they entered high school. And all had different experiences as a result. One lost their phone for 6 months as a consequence for their behavior. One could have cared less about what was happening on social media. The other constantly shared with us who and what they were interacting with.

By and large, when grades suffered, they “suffered” the consequences. When their character and personality suffered, they “suffered” the loss of what (or who) was influencing them. Adelyn, though, has been far different.

For various reasons she refused and continues to refuse social media. And we support her in that decision. And, yet, being who she is and the God-given gifts she has, I would likely not allow her on social media at this point anyway. There are things unique to her too precious to risk as a father.

“ ‘All things are lawful for me,’ but I will not be dominated by anything… ‘All things are lawful,’ but not all things are helpful…. ‘All things are lawful,’ but not all things build up.” (1 Corinthians 6:12; 10:23) Many parents, myself included, too often assume that what is socially acceptable must be personally helpful. Or, at worst, neutral. We believe our children are above any harmful or negative influence that may come their way. We are too proud to admit our children might be “dominated by anything.”

Any parent need only spend 1 minute searching to find proven and documented evidence of the harm social media has had on our social lives. Everyone’s included. Especially the young. That shouldn’t mean an automatic No to social media for your children. But it should mean you will take the time to know the personal make-up of each of your children (emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually). It should mean you will have the courage, wisdom and love to make an individual decision regarding social media for them.

The pressure and the lie is to believe they are missing out if they are not on social media. Nothing could be further from the truth, as is my personal experience with Adelyn. She thrives without it. And the others in the end thrived with it (which is not to say because of it).

As parents we have to love our children enough to make decisions that cherish and protect and equip them uniquely. Not every teen needs or wants social media. And no parent should assume they do.

As Christian parents, it is laziness to give a blanket yes or no to anything Scripture doesn’t prohibit. Self-righteousness is as much a sin as outright rebellion to God. “We don’t use social media, because we’re Christians” is as misguided and foolish as “We use social media, but as Christians it has no negative effect on us.”

Dear Elim Grace Parent, love your child. Think about them. Pray for them. Know them. And decide for their own sake and for their own good whether social media might diminish or brighten who they’re created and gifted to be by God. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be lazy. Don’t be ignorant. Be courageous.