CS Lewis wrote of his conversion:

“You must picture me alone in that room in Magdalen, night after night, feeling, whenever my mind lifted even for a second from my work, the steady, unrelenting approach of Him whom I so earnestly desired not to meet. That which I greatly feared had at last come upon me. In the Trinity Term of 1929 I gave in, and admitted that God was God, and knelt and prayed: perhaps, that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all England.”

I think of his words a lot lately, “the most…reluctant convert”.

I am a reluctant pastor. I am, perhaps, the most reluctant pastor ever to build a bigger church building. I confess I didn’t want to do it. In my heart I searched out reasons, excuses even, to not build. But “the steady, unrelenting approach” of Jesus.

To be “reluctant” means feeling aversion, hesitation, or unwillingness. It can also mean having or assuming a specified role unwillingly. The dictionary example is “a reluctant hero”. I’m not a reluctant “hero”.  But a pastor reluctant to build? Yes. Yet, Jesus came and said “build.” And so I will.

There were reasons for my reluctance. For good or for bad a prevalent one was that I didn’t want “a big church”. Big is relative. We’re not big in size compared to other churches. And big is not bad. There are many healthy large churches, even as there are many unhealthy small ones (the reverse is true as well). Not wanting a big (or bigger) church was a personal reluctance of mine.

But Jesus has seen fit to grow us as Elim Grace. And since it is God alone who gives the growth, who am I to kick against it? I’m not kicking anymore; I’m kneeling. Jesus can grow us as big as He wants to.

I don’t get to decide what Jesus wants to do in Elim Grace or how He wants to build it. None of us do. I know we can build a successful church without Him. But I also know we can’t build His church without Him. We want Him to build His church, Elim Grace. The vision He’s given us is to “Grow a big people, not a big church – a people BIG in Christ”. A people BIG in Christ may mean a bigger church numerically than we want. But what we want more than what we don’t want is Jesus. His will. To give ourselves to Him for His purposes and for His glory. In fact, that’s what He wants.

Jesus is after “a heart after my own heart”. And what that looks like is a heart who will “do all my will”. Yes, even if reluctantly. Like David, that heart will be able to “serve the purpose of God in his own generation” (Acts 13:22, 36). In the completed history of Elim Grace, nothing better could be written of us than this: “they served the purpose of God in their generation”.

This Sunday marks 7 years since becoming Senior Pastor of Elim Grace. It also “happens” to be the Sunday we launch our new 3 year capital campaign for building a new expansion. So this Sunday in particular for me marks a new page, the next chapter, in the story of Elim Grace. 

The Author of the story is Jesus and I have but a small supporting role in all that He’s “writing” and accomplishing. The most amazing thing is that the Author has written Himself into the story and is personally leading the way. He is before all things and after all things, yet He is with us in the middle of all things.

So, Elim Grace, it’s simple: whatever Jesus wants. However He wants. Whenever He wants. Though reluctant I have been, even so “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)