Dear Father,
“When I have the time” is not a phrase applicable to parenting. To be a father is not first a matter of quantity vs quality of time spent with your children. We are a father all the time, not only when we take the time.
Paul writes that as fathers we should “not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4). To “bring them up” means “nourish”. It implies physicality, being in body (and mind and heart) present in order to provide nourishment. It’s the same word used for how a man “nourishes and cherishes” his own body, which in turn is how he should love and cherish his wife (Ephesians 5:29).
I think part of Paul’s point and encouragement to us as fathers is that we never stop being a father. We never stop being a source of nourishment to our children. When present at home and when away at work, when we listen and when we talk, when we discipline (train) and when we play, “when we sit…walk…rest…rise” — we are always both through our actions and our words to be a steady stream of nourishment to our children.
Yes, the more time you spend with your children, the more activities you’ll do together, the more opportunities you’ll have to nourish them in practical and creative ways. And, yes, to “bring them up” is in the active not passive tense of the verb. To merely wait for and react to what our children do is not the kind of father Paul encourages us to be. But Paul is not calling us to an exhaustive list of do’s and don’ts. There is no percentage breakdown of where, when and how our time is best spent. There is no formula given that equals “success” in parenting.
To be a father and to bring up our children is from first to last, from top to bottom, from inside to outside a part of our being a disciple of Jesus. Fatherhood flows out of discipleship. If you seek Jesus first—to love Him, to know Him, to worship Him, to walk with Him, to obey Him—everything else in your life, every other love and priority, will find its proper place and order under Him. Seek first His kingdom and all that you need to bring up your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord He will add to you.
In my nearly 22 years of being a father, and currently a father to 6 (from a 6 month old foster baby through to my oldest and married son), I can’t recall reading a single parenting book. Some, including my wife, have benefited greatly from the wisdom and insight found in these books. But this is not the way I’ve grown, and am still growing, into the father I am. What I have learned and who I have become as a father has been both taught and caught by other fathers in my life. I’ve asked and listened to their words. I’ve watched and studied their actions. I’ve learned and aspired to their character. I’ve sought and submitted to their advice. But whether by reading books or by reading people, each of us as Christian fathers must build on the same foundation: Jesus Christ.
Dear father, rules drive behavior. We don’t need more rules to become better fathers. Rules don’t change hearts. The goal of better parenting (and any aspect of our discipleship) is not to be condemned into better behavior. It’s not even to love other things less. The goal is to know and to love Jesus more. The goal is to be known by Him and to experience His love for us more. We need not first better models or sermons or books. We need first renewed hearts of faithfulness and joy as fathers towards our children. We need to be always growing in our relationship with Jesus. It’s impossible to grow in our love for Jesus and not grow in our love for our wives and our children.
To that end, there’s one word I’ve tried to apply daily to my life as a father: AWE
A = Ask
Ask Jesus daily for help and wisdom. Pray to your heavenly Father who promises to give us as His children every little thing we need every single day. Seek the Holy Spirit for His power to work in and through you.
W = Worship
Worship Jesus daily. Fathers, in my opinion, one of the most powerful things that glorifies God in the eyes of our children is our worshipping God. I mean, as fathers, our public worship of God in the gathering of the saints. It is a powerful act simply because our children see us worship Jesus. So if you find it difficult or challenging in church to sing or to clap or to raise your hands, try first in private. Find your own space, close the door and take a minute to learn to worship Jesus.
E = Embrace
Aim to embrace, to hug, your children as often as possible. Learn in big and small ways to show them affection, to practice affirmation, to demonstrate the joy you find in them.
AWE. All of us as fathers can benefit from a little bit more awe in our lives. And all of us as fathers can learn to practice it a little bit better every day. A little bit of AWE in our lives can go a long way towards making a lasting impression on our children and a big difference in their lives. Go and ask, worship and embrace.
Pastor Jonathan