“Decent”: marked by moral integrity, kindness, and goodwill; decent behavior. As Christians, disciples of Jesus, the responsibility to teach our children is a Biblical expectation we must be aware of. (See Deuteronomy 6:4-6)
Here are some things that my wife, Ann-marie, and I were taught in our discipling process, handed down to us by those wiser than us. Remember, parenting is more art than science.
1. Eat meals together often. One of the most evident changes in recent days is the infrequency of families eating together. It’s far too easy to give each person young or old a reheated or microwaved meal of their choice at different times. While it may be convenient, it puts a huge gap in the social and educational time you have together. Eating together allows for a natural exchange of conversation and story. It can teach how to interact and to use manners. You can learn the family history and enjoy the comical events that bind people together. Make it a point to eat together at home as often as you can.
2. Give age appropriate jobs. Children very easily adapt themselves to the idea of contribution, that they can help the common interests of the family. When they are young the simple tasks of picking up their toys, helping set the table, or taking out the trash helps them understand they’re part of something bigger than themselves. Everyone has a place and a part. A four year old won’t be able to wash the fine dishes, but putting the salt and pepper on the table and folding the napkins is well within their ability. At one point our children set the table, cooked the meal, and cleaned up afterward. We were along for the very enjoyable ride!
3. Age appropriate instruction. Most of us had many areas of understanding that grew with us. Social skills in particular were added layer upon layer. From simple greetings and a kiss good-bye to Gramma, to personal introductions—we all needed to grow. Today, age appropriate understanding of sexuality and modesty is especially needed. But many parents are too embarrassed to discuss this topic. So they either leave their responsibility or abdicate it to the media. But God has given parents to be active agents and engaged on the frontline of their children’s teaching in this and every area of life.
4. Discipline them = to train as a disciple. To discipline means to teach as a disciple, an understudy, the way you would instruct an apprentice. Don’t punish a child because their behavior may have publicly embarrassed you. Take time to teach them the patterns you want imitated. Yes, there does need to be unpleasant consequences to certain attitudes and behaviors. How long is a miserable, selfish attitude tolerated where you work? But there should also be benefits given to the right conduct. Teach them often. Seize teachable moments. Why did that work? Why was that wrong?
5. Talk about your childhood. Roots. Everyone wants roots. Where do I come from? What were my ancestors like? What are our traditions? Time spent at meals telling family stories or reminiscing at special events helps young ones learn humor and valor. They see the overcoming of tragedies and the triumphs found in each family. Help them discover that their heroes and heroines so often live in their homes with them. They want to know and appreciate history. So tell them about the corner store that once was there and how you collected bottles to redeem and buy a candy bar. Family legends are very much needed today.
6. Read to them and with them. Arguably the most important educational and life skill you can impart to a child is reading. How to read is the basis for almost all the learning that will ever go on in life. Show them an example by reading books to them. If you don’t read, they won’t read, simple as that. Read them all kinds of books, and in time let them read to you. Get them a library card. Most important, read the Scriptures together. It doesn’t require theological mastery, but only a willingness to read and talk about it a little. You will both get a lot out of it.
7. Play with them, don’t digitally babysit them.
Play is an important part of a child’s development. How to imitate the big people, or to express their imaginations are healthy parts of a child’s growing up. Too often rather than investing in our children we find it easier to plop them on a couch in front of a screen. A digital babysitter paves the way for bad habits almost too many to mention. Get on the floor with your children, eye-to-eye. Show them how to play a board game or to build a castle or to put their ‘baby’ to sleep. Tickle them, wrestle with them, laugh with them. It will help them to keep life in perspective, learn to play fair, and show them your love.
8. Help them understand normal social behavior. Take the time to give your children an understanding of what social skills are needed in each situation they find themselves in. Yes, no, please and thank you are not even a bare minimum. There is so much more, which is why we humans take so long to mature. Especially make sure they are learning how to interact with others. Those who bully, act selfish, or scream and throw tantrums are not only a pain to be around, but will find themselves marginalized and missing out on so many opportunities that would benefit them. Plus, once a child feels like they don’t fit in, they retreat and isolate themselves, only to become more eccentric and less apt to fit in socially. Manners are how we show an awareness and respect of the others around us.
9. Let them know pressure. Test them…to succeed. We all want our children to have a great life. If possible, a better life than we had. If we could, I’m sure most of us would never want our children to endure any hardship or discouragement. The reality of life is very different, though, isn’t it? Far better that they should learn perseverance and how to handle a difficult test or trial with us by their side than for them to find out life is hard with no guidance or mentoring around them. Set up times and situations where you can test them. Let them put the worm on their own hook, get them on a sports team, let them earn a the toy they want by working to pay for it first. Make them pay for a broken window or walk in the dark when you are available to help and encourage them. Don’t set them up to fail, but, as God does, test them to take confidence in their successes.
10. Affirm them often. Give them your presence and attention.
One of the most obvious ways a child will realize and cherish your love is by the time you give them with your presence. Be present. Be at their sports games, attend their parent teacher conferences, talk to them about their day. Give them fair and reasonable compliments, don’t just rave. When they do a good job, tell them. Take vacations with them. Take them to the lumber yard or the grocery store. Hang out with them and block it out from other distractions. Bless them whenever you can. Criticism is helpful, but only when they are aware that their failures do not embarrass or anger you, that you still accept them.
11. This is a bonus one, since you’ve read this far! No parent will do a “perfect” job. Get over it. When you mess up, ask for forgiveness and try again. That, too, is a very important lesson for our children.