I’ve lived half my life now as a husband. Well, not quite half. This year I turn 40 and today I celebrate 18 years of being married to my wife, Alissa. Close to half.  

To celebrate “being married” may seem strange, especially if one considers marriage a roadblock to living a happy life. But like many joys in life, what one imagines a thing to be like is nothing like what that thing actually turns out to be.  

So if I say I can’t imagine not being married, it’s not because I can’t remember what life before marriage was like. It’s because I can imagine no life better than the one I actually have with Alissa.  

Yet, “better” has not been, is not, and never will be without effort, sacrifice, and commitment.   

Forgiveness is not optional– you may not remember all the times you offended or hurt one another. You may not remember all the times you forgave one another. But you will most certainly remember those times you didn’t forgive. Why? Because they stay with you, they leave a mark, they create a distance and a coldness in the relationship. Forgiveness will deal not only with the offense, but also close the fault line between hearts. It opens the flow of love so a greater freedom, growth, and health can fill the relationship over the years.    

Communication is not optional– saying something is easy. Communicating something is more difficult and, in the long run, more fruitful. Saying or telling something to someone involves only knowing what you think or feel. But communicating with someone involves knowing what they think or feel, how, and why. Effective communication is second about telling the truth and saying what needs to be said. It is first about love and grace—knowing, caring for and, so, serving the one you are speaking with.  

Encouragement is not optional– we are often frustrated when someone doesn’t do what they should do. But our frustration is often the result of them not living up to our idea of who they should be and what they should do. So we end up encouraging them towards the wrong destination. There isn’t enough grace in the world for Alissa to live up to my expectations of her or for me to live up to hers of me. We will crush one another.   

But God gives a greater grace. He gives us His grace, so we can to live up to His expectations of us and become who He created, called, and gifted us each to be. He gives me grace as I pursue His purposes for her and for me. And He gives her grace as she pursues His purposes for me and for her. To watch how the one you love is both growing into and developing the gifts and skills God has given them is without parallel. It is often surprising. It is often unnerving. It is often an adventure. It is never disappointing. To encourage them towards new things and greater things, and to be a part of it, is one of the greatest joys of marriage.