Trust is foundational to any lifetime or longterm successful, healthy, and growing relationship. With it you can withstand any storm. Without it you’ve built your house on sand.

In my relationship with my children my trustworthiness is “built to last” in several ways.

(A) My trustworthiness is built on follow-through — It’s me doing what I say by when I say. It’s starting what I’ll finish and finishing what I’ll start. It’s fulfilling the responsibilities I like, but especially the ones I dislike, and with excellence. It’s not letting quit happen.

(B) My trustworthiness is built on honesty and vulnerability — It’s telling the truth in love. It’s confessing when you’re wrong. It’s asking for forgiveness. It’s having big and small, serious and fun, conversations. It’s making sure things are clear. It’s admitting when you don’t understand. It’s asking questions and learning from your children.

(C) My trustworthiness is built on trusting — You can’t ask people to trust you, if you’re not willing to trust them. It’s giving freedom and privilege, not just responsibility. It’s delegating smaller, small, bigger, big tasks. It’s not being afraid of “letting go”. It’s not controlling their decisions. It’s saying, “You decide.” It’s asking, “What do you need me to do for you?” It’s permitting your children to make mistakes and risk failure and, then, helping them to learn and grow through it.

These and more build trust. Ultimately, though, trust is not about what we do, but about who we are wherever we are whatever we’re doing. In other words, it’s a matter of integrity, of wholeness, of oneness. I become a picture of trust; trust is no longer an abstract concept.

So how do we know whether or not we’re building trust into the culture of our home and into the structure of our relationships? How do we know whether or not we’re the picture and embodiment of it? How do we know whether trust is having a positive or a negative impact on our children? Here are four ways:

(1) You’re absent when present — if you’re home but not present to your children and to their doubts, fears, questions, dreams; if you’re oblivious to their lives and don’t know them, then there is no trust.

(2) You’re absent when absent — if you’re not home and they don’t feel it, don’t even notice a difference from when you are home, then there is no trust.

(3) You’re present when present — if you’re home and fully present in the present; if you’re appropriately engaged in their lives listening, talking, playing, watching; if you’ve turned off and put away distractions to focus on them, then trust is being built.

(4) If you’re present when absent — if you’re not home and they miss you; if your absence is felt; if they want you to be home; if they can’t wait for you to get home; if they hug you or kiss you or are quick to say hi and eager to tell you about their day, then trust is being built.

Trust and trustworthiness are the assurance of, security from, safety in, dependability on who you are and what you do.